Alert the Sierra Club! Somebody get me that girl who camps out in giant Redwood trees! We've caught a polluter red-handed, and it's...it's...Mother Nature.
Washington state's top polluter, various news sources revealed today, is Mount St. Helens. In fact, take the pollution from every industrial business in Washington, double it, and it still doesn't match Mount St. Helens. And Mount St. Helens isn't the only one of these volcanoes dirtying up our air. More than a decade ago, Mount Pinatubo exploded into the atmosphere above the Philippines and points beyond. It emitted more than 20 million tons of muck and ash into the sky.
To think environmentalists have targeted corporations for so long when a much more sinister force has been poisoning our Earth for millions of years. How could it have escaped our notice?
I've come to find out it's not uncommon for living things to pollute--people, animals, even trees on occassion. In conversing with some of my environmentalist friends--including an incredibly wise goat and a whale who communicates through mental telepathy--I offer the modest proposal of nuking the entire Earth and turning our planet into an environmentalist paradise like Mercury, Saturn, or the Mojave Desert. They'll be no Mount St. Helens, no smokestacks, no decomposing plants, and no elephant mess. Everything will be pristine. Think about it: transforming the Earth into a desolate rock devoid of polluters will not only teach those contaminating the Earth a lesson, but will undeniably purify our lakes, rivers, oceans, air, and land.
You know that dolphins know the cure for cancer right? We are just not smart enough to understand what they are trying to tell us. Maybe your whale friend can translate.
I am remembering a really bad sci-fi flick starring Keanu Reeves and Ice-T. Keanu stores a bunch of computer information in his brain and can't get it out. Ice-T, the leader of an underground, anti-capitalist resistance helps him out by hooking his brain up to a dolphin's. Naturally the dolphine helps Keanu out, and they all live happily ever after. The End.
Brad: did you make that up, or is that a real movie?
Unfortunately, the movie is real. A quick Google of "Keanu" and I was able to find it: "Johnny Mnemonic" (1995).
