I've been battling a nasty cold, and the nasty cold has been winning. I tried fighting it with Theraflu and other traditional medicines. It was all to no avail. Frustrated, I harkened back to the curative wisdom of my ancestors. In an effort to defeat this germinous foe, I picked up a case of Labatt's Blue, a four-pack of overpriced Red Bull, a bottle of Freixenet Brut, and a pack of Swisher Perfectos. This cold didn't stand a chance. I would puff and imbibe its demonic presence away.

I began Friday night with a Red Bull and Skyy Vodka, which quickly woke me up to do battle with evil microbes. This was a fight that had to be won, so I ignited a Swisher cigar too. Its soothing flavor is kryptonite to germy invaders. To ensure their destruction, I drank the medicine of my forefathers--eight Labatt's Blues to be precise--and exiled the villainous virus. To celebrate, I downed half a bottle of champaign--Freixenet (only the best), to be precise.

To aid and abet the herbal and natural medicines, I employed the electronic pulses of The Pogues, Hothouse Flowers, Travis, Big Country, and other sonic Celtic shamans. The senses needed to be bombarded. "I gave my love a goodnight kiss/I tried to take a late night piss/But the toilet moved so again I missed/Down on rain street." The germs fled at first listen. And can you blame them? These are the words of emergent barbarians coping with civilization.

The natural medicines made me feel good. Not only was my cold was gone, but I felt as though I could take on Mike Tyson, win Angelina Jolie's heart, and vanquish all-time Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings. Who could stand in my way? Certainly not the common cold. I didn't attempt to fly from my attic window, but only because my self-prescribed pharmacopia did not include PCP. This euphoria lasted, roughly, until I awoke this morning.

Not only did the cold return, but I felt worse than I had the day before. Apparently, this resulted from the cold bacteria rebelling against the strong antidotes employed against it the night before. They were mad, and fiercely battled back against my medicines. Seeing a weakness in my sleep, when the power of Labatt's, Swisher's, and Freixenet had waned, the toxins again went to work. The next morning, in addition to the cold, I had a splitting headache and my mouth tasted as dry as the Sahara. These were new tricks in the arsenal of acute viral nasopharyngitis.

But I had some tricks up my sleeve too. Tonight, I will repeat this amazingly effective process. John Labatt's Blue, Swisher Sweet Perfectos, Red Bull, Skyy Vodka, and other elixers will again bravely serve as my allies. So-called science has spent thousands of years trying to defeat the common cold only to be defeated by it. My homeopathic remedies, on the other hand, send a loud and clear message to the unwelcome virus: germs begone!

Hate to tell you Dan but, much like the modern medicines of today, your ancient remedies only serve to do the voodoo that they do and will have no affect on your sickness. Colds do what they want and leave your body only when they decide to. In other words, they have to run their course.

Although, if I were a cold bug, I'd run like hell when you put the Pogues on.

Be Well.

Sorry to hear you aren't feeling well Dan. Remedy sounds like fun though.

Theraflu isn't the same anymore since they got rid of pseudoephedrine. Cough up your ID at the counter and get some of the glorious little red pills of pseudophedrine - they are amazing.

Your cold is causing you to suffer. Offer it up.

Next time you feel a cold coming on, try to two cloves of freshly crushed garlic and coconut oil. Works for me -- I haven't been sick in over 4 years now.

Sorry to go blatantly off topic Dan, but I can't resist:

ASDF, did you see that game tonight? Phil Kessel is my hero.

I'm not at all surprised. And not jumping on any bandwagons here because I've been a FOK since he's come here. That's why I'm not clear on the psychology of designating him as a healthy scratch until the game before last.

And what production! That first goal last night was truly amazing.

Great game all around. Both teams played well but the Bruins have learned to play with the big boys and are out working the Habs.

I love it!

Eric, are you talking physically or mentally? ;-)

Kessel was a liability in game 1, and his lack of hustle all year has been a problem. Coach benched him for two games and now hes the hardest working guy on the ice. I think it worked out.

Nah nah, nah nah nah nah, Hey Hey, goodbye...

Even though I believed they could win, I was prepared for the loss but not to the extent that they folded.

Having one bad period sandwiched between one very good period and a decent one isn't going to cut it at home in a game seven against the number one seed.

Overall, they didn't play to the level they played throughout the series after game one which was a surprise and a disappointment. Thomas did not have a good game and none of the forwards were able to solve Price. Suffice it to say, a shutout was unacceptable and an embarrassment.

Here's hoping the Penguins smack the cigarettes out of the mouths and the wine glasses out of the hands of those snotty faux Frenchmen.