I am my own boss, and lately my conduct has been ruinous to company spirit. I've been arriving to work in the p.m. hours. My office, which also doubles as my living room, is a mess littered with books, overstuffed file folders, and yellow legal pads. It's bad enough that I show up to work every day in sweat pants and a flannel shirt. Now I frequently show up to work in the same sweat pants and flannel shirt. On the positive side, I rarely leave the office and don't complain when I don't get paid. But I surf the web, smoke cigars, and listen to loud music on company time. I don't shave. Earlier this week, I strongly considered firing myself. I'm glad, for my sake, that I didn't. On Wednesday, I began to turn things around. I made serious progress on the third chapter of my forthcoming book. By Thursday, I reached that crest-of-the-hill point. That's where the upward snail's pace transforms into a downward glide. A paragraph a day yields to thousand-word days. It is the viral effect but with words. They replicate. Words beget words. What seemed daunting now seems a cinch. I'm glad I stuck by me. I may even look the other way when I drink on the job later tonight. But this is just chapter three, so, as the great philosopher Yogi Berra put it, it will feel like deja vu all over again. My boss will give me schoolmarmish lectures, castigating me to snap out of it. My job security will seem precarious. Then I'll get on a roll. And I'll repeat the process again and again until next November. With luck, I'll have a book.

Ignoring the office dress code... drinking on the job during late-night work sessions... smoking in the office... Dan, you're a slacker!

Just kidding.

You're moving at 2 speeds -- SLOW and STOP!

Dan, So much of what you wrote rings true. Fortunately I don't smoke and rarely drink. As a self-employed independant stockbroker and radio talk show host I often reflect on my 12 hr. days and wonder how I could have filled up the time and got so little done. Chris

P.S. I spoke to Morton yesterday and we talked about you. He has agreed to be on my show; why don't you?

We all get into ruts. My first job cleaning public toilets at interstate rest areas became very tedious. However, I knew I needed to see the light. I knew that after five years they would give me a brush. So I stayed the course. My next job going under cover as a Jets fan at the old Vet during Philadelphia Eagle games really got me down. Well with the surgeries and the tedium of picking glass out of my scalp getting old I knew I had to bust a move. I went back to school and studied really hard and became a Pet Gynoclologist working with pandas, turtles and giraffes, helping them with their problems...save us the tourted artist crap.

Dan: I may have missed this somewhere else, but what do you plan on coving in your next book? I only recently read your former two, so I'm looking forward to it.

Am amazed that the boss' wife hasn't kicked your azz.

I eagerly await!

I'm guessing that some book cases and a filing cabinet would shorten the trip to the hilltop.

I once ruined a job opportunity by responding to the ubiquitous interview question, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" with "Sleeping with the boss's wife and decorating my house with some of this fine office furniture you have here."

Seems like Dan figured out how to accomplish both.

A smashing post. Hope the office's Christmas party is a hit.

Can't wait to see the book. Don't get fired in the meantime. B)

Great post, Dan. One of the funniest ever.

Chris: I'd be glad to come on your show. Just email me with when you want to do it. Also, why don't you tell the readership where and when your show is on.