Something wrong invaded my sight in the beer aisle, namely, an obnoxiously named product called Whale Tail Pale Ale. The name sounds like a second grader's poem. It grabbed my attention, and I guess that's the point. But it also raised my ire. This silly-sounding beer (Yeah, "ale." That's right. I'm calling you beer!) cost $10.59 for a four pack. Momentarily stunned that four packs existed, it nearly escaped my notice that, through some marketing Jedi Mind Trick, the beer company charges more for four beers than most other beer companies charge for twelve.

Beer is supposed to be sold in divisions of six, decree the beer gods. Who drinks four beers? Beer nerds who drink Whale Tail Pale Ale, that's who. Beer nerds? They are effeminate men who would rather be drinking wine but drink beer to convince themselves, their wives, and everyone around them of their manliness. They would chant an affirmation, but Whale Tail Pale Ale works just as well. The $10.59 price and deliberately quirky four-pack packaging says to the beer nerd: buy me. It says to the beer drinker: smash me.

So fascinated/disgusted by the $10.59 Whale Tail Pail Ale, I scanned the beer aisle last night for other offenders. I found something bedecked in fleur-di-lis called Don de Dieu, four of which cost $9.99. This was a deal compared to Scotland's Legends Skull Splitter--$18.59 for a four-pack! Brewed closer to home is the appropriately named Midas Touch; $12.59 will get you four of these "handcrafted ancient ale," made from "barley, honey, white muscat grapes & safron." They are not going for that freeze-wave Coors Light Silver Bullet Train demographic, are they?

There's something amiss at package stores, (that's what we call store-type establishments that sell alcohol in the northeast). I inveighed against excessive prices at bars in a post last year. Now it's the packies that have brought out the Bill Bixby in me. Beer nerds, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

The packaging and price of microbrews hypnotize beer nerds into believing that they're buying great beer. Someone is laughing hard counting his money. My strong suspicion is that there is no such thing as a microbrewery, just one enormous Anheuser-Busch style megacorporation that produces one beer with a wide variety of packaging. The formula goes something like this: 1. Devise a gonzo name, e.g., Salty Dog's Magiclicious Wheat Stout or Big Bob's Bongo Bock; 2. Splash lots of color on the packaging, as if one were buying not a man's beer but a child's juice box; 3. Say that your beer is brewed in Vermont; 4. Charge for a six-pack (or even a four pack) what domestic brands charge for a twelve-pack; 5. Make the beer heavy enough so that drinking twelve of them at a sitting will surely induce vomiting, or at least the feeling that one has eaten four loaves of bread.

The economics of beer works in strange ways. Instead of low prices attracting consumers, they scare them away. High prices convey the idea that this is a good beer. Low prices are the kiss of death. Budweiser, Busch, and even Schlitz are all good beers who hang out with a bad crowd. If you fraternize in the cooler with Meisterbrau and Naragansett enough, people are going to start thinking you are like them. But Schlitz, Busch, and company are different, even if their prices are the same. Don't tell that to beer snobs, who run from a $15 case as if it were botulism on sale.

Stella Artois is more their style. The advertisement slogans, "Reassuringly Expensive" and "Perfection Has Its Price," are a far cry from "Put a Little Weekend in Your Week." But they make the point: you are better than the people who drink Coors. It's as if one separates oneself from the riffraff by the beer one drinks. This is what Thorstein Veblen (a beer nerd's name if there ever was one) called "conspicuous consumption." But true beer drinkers know that it's your behavior, and not the beer you drink, that should be conspicuous.

It's labor day, and as a working man--okay, okay, I spend my days reading and writing, but I once hauled hot dogs up the grandstand at Fenway Park, cleaned latrines in the Marines, and bagged groceries for minimum wage--I protest white-collar, snob beers. I protest them by walking past the Whale's Tail Pale Ales and Scotland's Legendary Skull Splitters of the beer world, my nose high in the air, going straight to the bad-beer neighborhood end of the cooler, and grasping a case of Busch. This weekend, every flipped top, every first sip, every finished bottle slammed down on the table, will strike a blow against beer nerds.

Well said. If several cases of it can't be dumped into a rubber trash-can full or ice and water, it's not beer. I'm a Michelob drinker, myself.

Btw. I recently discovered that beer does not freeze in the freezer. I had put a warm one in the freezer to rapidly cool it off, but forgot about it. Hours later I pulled out the coldest, and therefore, one of the best beers I've ever had. I am now passing this wisdom on to others.

I drink Guinness Extra Stout. 8 bucks for a six back. Its the way to go.

P.S: Busch and Bud really are gross though.

Michelob is an excellent beer. In my early days, it was thought of as a high-end beer. Today, with the onslaught of the beer nerds, it is looked down upon as a, gasp, "domestic."

I gotta give it two thumbs down. I do like some domestic beers though. My list would go, in order:

Guinness
Bass Ale
Sam Adams
Killian's

I mostly like Irish brews.

I've left beer in the freezer and it has frozen almost completely solid. (Rookie mistake) When I have the money I usually purchase one of the following:
Guinness
Anything Sam Adams
Yuengling Lager (a PA tradition)
Blue Moon

Don't judge me, but most of the time I stick to Natural Light.

"I've left beer in the freezer and it has frozen almost completely solid."

Hmm. Perhaps my freezer is less cold than yours, or you may have left it longer than I did.

Miller High Life is the champange of bottled beers.

I actually like the High Life. I have no rational explanation for this. But its good.

Drink what you like, that's what I always say.

I enjoy Bud Light if I'm out for a long day of drinking, (although I generally drink Corona because of the heat and humidity of Florida), but also enjoy Yuengling (they have a brewery down here in Tampa), Bass, Guinness on draft, and most Sam Adam's styles.

Good beer is like good wine or cigars, it doesn't need to be expensive, you just need to enjoy it.

Were those 4-packs larger than normal sized bottles? Seems like there has to be something else going on to sell them in increments of 4.

I buy whatever the cheapest case is at my grocery store, usually 12 cans of PBR or 12 bottles of Rolling Rock. Then I buy the excellent Polish beer Zywiec, they sell them 2 bottles for 3 bucks here. It is foreign but I live in a Polish neighborhood. (That's right, after the wall came down Poles moved in droves to Gotham). The bottles are also 16 oz., so they are royal pint size or some such. Then I keep some Guinness draft always on stock. I won't bother detailing the liquour but that is stocked as well.

You must be ready to entertain at all times.

Ben, because its goods stuff. Though, I dislike the knock against Stella - but I really only drink it when I'm in Europe and it's the cheaper beer.

My experience has always been that people think way too much about the beer they drink. I've got friends who bore the $hit out of me with the details and intricacies of the beer o' the week that they're drinking. Who cares.

I've found (beer) heaven. A store near where we spend weekends has a wall of beer, build your own six pack for $7.99.

The usuals Bud (when I want a headache), Miller, etc. But also lots of local brews. And, instead of spending $10.99 on a four pack, I get one, try it, and if I don't like it never buy it again.

As for the "beer snob" comments, I'd say you probably just haven't gotten past the advertising for Bud and Coors. Cute chicks with big tits dont' make the beer taste any less like the watered down crap that it is.

http://www.arrogantbastard.com/index2.html

“Great” is a subjective term. The microbrews are just filling a niche left by most of the American beer makers. It is amazing to me to see the elitist beer snobs, though. Like snobs of any sort they are usually totally ignorant of what they are talking about. At the end of the day I can appreciate a Rolling Rock as much as anything. If someone in Scottsdale thinks they are better than me because they have a $10 beer in their hand I can live with that.

I want to wish all the Flynn Files bloggers (and the Flynn man himself) a happy and SAFE labor day. For all of us who work hard and make things happen this is our weekend!

Good piece. There's nothin' wrong with wine. Boone's Farm is some good stuff.

As many Flynnfiles readers, and many Flynns themselves, there are few things I appreciate more than drinking. Watching the minutes turn into hours and the hours turn into days, weekend after weekend. After three beers I find no difference between a "Bud" or a "fat autistic speckled herring" type of beer. The only difference is that the next morning I am just sick with the former but sick and broke with the later. Happy Labor day.

I love Guinness, but ever since I had it out of a barrel, the bottles and cans don't pass muster. New Castle is tasty, and of course, Beck's and Heineken. Domestic beer? Leinenkugel's, my home town brew. Whenever I need a taste of home, that's where I go. Dan, cheap beer can thank Kingsbury, Fox Delux and Buckhorn for the bad rep. After you swill those when poor, you never want cheap beer again, if you can afford the better brands.

i will take a rolling rock or a iron city lite any day. the only time i have a coors is when i go to the rifle range. take that adolph, you gun hating prick!!

The only thing better than drinking an Iron City is playing in the Iron League.

Dan, Trying to get people together for a 15 year reunion.. Your flynn file email does not work. Email me at daburnes@verizon.net. Thanks, Aprile

Thanks for the comments.
Please stay off the roads.
I think I'll go to an AA meeting now.